where are the weird, sentimental, sensitive, sensible nerds?

a step by step guide on how i make friends

i was telling jeff about this new friend i’ve made recently, and he said this:

this was very enlightening. this is true in general, regardless of gender. i do like people who are sentimental, and who are unafraid to show it. i’m a fan of people who are unflinchingly earnest, in public: while many people are capable of tapping into this sort of sincerity & honesty, a majority of them are only this way in private; so how am i ever going to find them if their sentimentality is hidden?

over the years i’ve been drawn, repeatedly, to people who are demonstrably sensitive (and sentimental!) online. some of them have become my dearest friends; i like to jokingly call them my “victims”¹. the process of befriending has often gone something like this:

1. notice someone online, who posts “stuff”

   1. this “stuff” tends to have these attributes:

      1. very earnest / a distinct sense of “them” / an unusual perceptiveness & sensitivity in the things that they notice or comment on / a sharpness in their articulation / the ability to articulate all of this / a distinct lack of self-consciousness with regards to posting all of this in public / a sense of sensibility (ha) about it all

2. i start following their work

3. i admire them from afar

4. i develop a parasocial relationship with them in my head

   1. sometimes, if the opportunity presents itself, i will send them a nice text telling them how i like their work

5. i forget that the parasocial relationship with them is one-sided

6. i start sending them posts/media/etc that i enjoy (and that i assume they will enjoy and resonate with too, based on my imaginary relationship with them in my head)

7. we eventually become friends

the attributes under point #1 make it very easy, in my opinion, to discern (mostly) accurately whether i identify with someone.

the disclaimer, of course, is that i’m trying to find you. sometimes resonance is one-way, and i am as apologetic as i am disappointed to be on either end of this. it doesn’t quite work if only one person feels a strong sense of relatability. the move, in this case, is never to force it; you should always maintain a respectful distance, and back off if the other person seems uncomfortable — i am not at all trying to endorse creep/stalker behaviour. in much the same way guys are advised to approach girls they’re interested in, you should extend any offers of friendship without an expectation of guaranteed acceptance, and bow out with grace if declined. it’s like if you wanted to buy someone a coffee & they refused — you would say “sure no worries!”, instead of buying them a coffee anyway and tossing it in their face.

“and so you keep a journal of your experience and find the others”

another one of my wonderful friends addi has said that he remembers me most by something i said at a gathering he hosted:

this is not a sentiment i talk about a lot, but it is something that i am always thinking about. i am driven, mostly, by the friends that i make. i confess that i do not care much for big picture themes like community or innovation or environmentalism, though i agree that these are all important; but i am personally most compelled by individuals. beyond my personal creative endeavours, which mostly feel like a service to myself and my self expression, there is not much i want to do with the world other than seek connection. not as a means to an end! i’m not even very sure why this compels me so. somehow i find great joy in watching these people move through the world, and seeing the work they produce and the change they effect, and i just want to be there to bear witness to it all…!

this is also why i tend to be such a huge supporter of my friends. my friendships, after all, started out with me as a fan. sometimes my friends thank me for supporting them, & my response is always: i’m a fan! i’m supporting you the same way a fan would want their favourite artist to put out more songs/art/etc! i just want to see you do more of the things that you do! my motivation, in this sense, is actually pretty self serving, but luckily it benefits the both of us…

however, i must confess: i haven’t been very good about letting people find me. despite my admiration for it all, i’m not very good at capital-p Posting. i would like to be better at it! posting feels extremely unintuitive for me, especially when trying to make it palatable & comprehensible for people other than myself. posting is as difficult as it is easy for me to tell someone how much i like their work. somehow i lack the intuition for what would compel both me and others equally. so here is a small request:

what would you like to see from me? what do i seem to know about, that you would want me to talk about? what do you think i should be making more of?

let me know. love u<3

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bibliography:

A blog post is a very long and complex search query to find fascinating people and make them route interesting stuff to your inbox

1. i love my friends. they are all very cool & i respect and admire them (and their work!) greatly. one day i will tell you about how i befriended all of them… but for now, a non-exhaustive victim friend directory, in no particular order:

1. genderlesstofu

2. lovlaine (spotify)

3. kytalli (playces)

4. addi (fireplace)

i have more friends than this, but 1. i can’t be sharing ALL my friends with you, i’m selfish (get your own!!!!!) 2. not all of them are working on things publicly!!! these are just some of my friends who are Definitely public facing and already putting out work in public!!! hooray<3