wholeheartedly #56: bad advice
your car goes where your eyes go
i don’t like bad advice.
i don’t like reading things that make me feel bad about what i’m doing. “doing this is wrong!” “DON’T DO THESE 6 THINGS!” … i dislike this kind of negative framing (damn, maybe those corporate companies were right when they always prefer positive framing). if i’ve done the things that was advised against (e.g. “don’t stay up till 4am” and then i stay up till 4am), it makes me feel bad about what i’ve *already done* (that’s in the past! that which has already happened, and which i cannot change!). i have a deep deep distaste for this sort of doomer framing, or anything that might induce guilt and shame. people have called me a baby for thinking like this (“no one (in real life)’s gonna hold your hand and guide you gently. no one’s gonna care about your progress or be invested in you, so you have to get your shit together and do it yourself. no one’s gonna tell you what to do. no one’s gonna baby you. you’re an adult. no one’s gonna be gentle with you”). i hate this framing. i am a little wuss.
how to ride a bike
there’s that story that goes, a dad is trying to teach his son how to ride a bike. as his son teeters on the bike, his dad says “don’t run into the tree!”. the son hears this, looks at the tree, and runs directly into it.
don’t think about elephants
Okay, here's me planting an idea in your head. I say to you, don't think about elephants.
the solution to not thinking about elephants isn’t repeating to yourself “dontthinkaboutelephants dontthinkaboutelephants”. it’s thinking about donkeys instead
you just lost the game
ironic. you’re winning the game until someone announces that you’ve lost it. the game, in particular(???), is to *not* think about the game — but when you hear of the game you’ll think of it. there’s no good way to win. unless you think about donkeys?
in racing, they say that your car goes where your eyes go.
The driver who cannot tear his eyes away from the wall as he spins out of control will meet that wall; the driver who looks down the track as he feels his tires break free will regain control of his vehicle. i read this in a book when i was 8 or 9, and the metaphor has stuck with me since
focus on what you want to see more of
visakanv has a tweet that goes,
focus your time and energy on what you want to see more of.
he often quotes this tweet as a response to people engaging with haters. or, well, he also engages with them in a good way (haters are fans too/haters do the best marketing). if you hate dogs, and you keep tweeting about how much you hate dogs, … your timeline will inevitably be filled with dogs. people are invariably(?) going to engage with you on dogs, which personally, if i were a hater of dogs, doesn’t seem quite ideal.
i’d rather focus on what lies ahead of me. what can be fixed, what has yet to be, what can still be changed/salvaged. my default state is that of a dweller. i would consider myself an expert on ruminating— on the past, on what has already been, on everything i’ve done wrong and everything i could’ve done better. i am intimately familiar with the flavour of guilt, shame, regret. Listen. i have ruminated endlessly on my shortcomings and how far behind i am and it has not helped me even a bit. i know some people run on spite. that they are able to convert these feelings into fuel to push them to go further. i am not one of these people.
this is something i’m a bit ashamed of, but i need to be coddled. i am, regrettably, of the strawberry generation. the asian tiger mom parenting does not work on me (surprise, surprise… who would’ve thought), but honestly… is anyone really surprised that it doesn’t work, when the strict asian mom voice is something i’ve so wholly internalised to no effect? if u think about it it’s kind of pathetic actually. but what i’m saying is that it doesn’t work on me… whatever anyone else could possibly have to say about my terrible life decisions and awful work ethics, i already know and repeat to myself (like GOSPEL!). soooo … i can say definitively that it is no bueno.
breakfast burritos n coffee
i don’t really understand metaphors, tbh. that story that workplaces love to tell when they bring their workers for personality tests, of the potato, egg, and coffee bean — that when you put all of these in boiling water, the potato softens from raw crunchy potato to soft edible mash, but the egg hardens from raw liquidy egg into a hard boiled one, and the coffee bean makes… water into (delicious) coffee. and i think the lesson is supposed to be something like, you should be like the egg/coffee bean? and let hardships improve you instead of weaken you and break you down?
“The potatoes, the eggs and coffee beans had each faced the same adversity– the boiling water. The boiling water had changed them. However, each one reacted differently.
The potato went in strong, hard, and unrelenting, but in boiling water, it became soft and weak. The egg was fragile, with the thin outer shell protecting its liquid interior until it was put in the boiling water. Then the inside of the egg became hard. However, the ground coffee beans were unique. After they were exposed to the boiling water, they changed the water and created something new.”
- the first link on google when i searched “potato egg coffee”
i’m not very sure tbh. but i don’t really understand metaphors, and i think this story is confusing and useless bc — if i’m a potato i’m not gonna magically turn into an egg..? or a coffee bean? like what am i supposed to do???? if i am a potato that’s softened by boiling water, this is just how i am? what do u want me to do about it…
(i mean obviously this isn’t the point of the story, bc we’re not actually potatoes and i guess as humans we can “change” or “choose how we respond to situations” but like…. really? really? this is an incredible useless and ineffective story if that’s what it was supposed to illustrate. i feel like my takeaway from the story has just been like, Well i guess i’m a potato. what do u want me to do about it. can’t change it)
i need to be coddled! i love getting my stupid hand held and i love getting praised. i sound so childish. my bosses have historically hated me for this (i’m exaggerating) bc they are not in the business of babying or mentoring. they’re probably looking for an Independent Free Spirit who is Self Directed and can Take Charge of their own learning. a Go Getter! but i think i am too self conscious, shy, and socially anxious to be that kind of person. i’m still imprisoned by the arbitrary rules of my brain (“i can’t say hi to my boss cos that would just be weird and awkward and i don’t want to disturb him even though he’s literally my boss and saying hi is the POLITE, EXPECTED THING TO DO” etc). so unfortunately i think i come off as rude sometimes (when i am just nervous, and shy). clearly i won’t do very well in the corporate world…
TT______TT this will be my downfall. i want to say that i will rely on the people who can see me for who i am! and who will like me and think that i am good! but people like to tell me that its not good to rely on that, and that people are mostly bad :\ but i can’t help it. i like structure and guidance (and praise). argh. maybe i have daddy issues
ok but maybe i’m not giving myself enough credit. woof.
it’s not like i’m useless, u know. i think i’m just too nervous and unsure of myself, and i hedge too much for it to be healthy. i think i should be more confident in myself, more corporate bosswoman. surer of myself, say things without laughing nervously, not have the awkward nervous smile on my face when i present stuff or say stuff. Rawr. gotta work on that self esteem… which is funny to think about, bc i think this is something people have been pointing out to me since 2018, but i’ve somehow never seen it as something i needed to change or work on until now. heh. all in due time, i think
(tangent: when things like these happen i get nervous. i feel very anxious n guilty n shameful that i didn’t work on these things earlier. but i think, sometimes this was just how it was meant to happen. it couldn’t have happened earlier, even if i tried really hard, bc of something or another. for e.g. i told myself i wanted to learn to code in 2021. and i never got around to it, and now comscience is this huge big thing and i feel like i’ve missed my opportunity, and i’m so far behind now. but i don’t think i can blame myself for not learning back in 2021, bc if i were honest, between 2021-2024 i’ve tried to learn coding multiple times but it’s just never stuck, or i’ve just never had anything really pushing me to have the conviction to learn. but now that i’m thinking of making a personal website, i’m dipping my toes back in again, and i think… all in due time. it’s never too late. i get too caught up in ideas of falling behind and comparing myself to others and thinking about how society is moving so fast and how i’ve failed to Seize The Trend! the Opportunity! but again…. all in due time. i’m learning to let go)
so where was i? … i don’t like bad advice. advice that scolds you and tells you you’re doing everything wrong. i like advice that guides you elsewhere. that tells you what you *should* do instead. if you claim that doing ABC is bad, you'd better also tell me how to *stop* doing ABC, and what other XYZ i should be doing instead of ABC. you get my drift? i guess this is why i like visakanv’s stuff so much. it’s very uplifting, supportive, it directs people somewhere, he tells you what he thinks is a better direction. most people are just caught up in what’s BAD. most people are carousels of negativity and cynicism. i am trying to fight this. i am trying to be gentler with myself, more encouraging. obviously i’m not very good at this, bc i’ve been so dialed into the rat-race capitalist zero-sum mindset of needing to GO HARDER GO FASTER GRIND GRIND GRIND GRIND I’M SO FAR BEHIND FUCK KEEP GOING GO GO GO YOU’RE ALREADY LOSING CMON MAN DONT BE A FUCKEN LOSER!!!! but ah.. that kind of thinking hasn’t been productive to me. i’m so worried about being behind, about being slower. it goes against all of my instincts to accept that maybe i will take more time to “succeed” and that i won’t be able to have all the typical indicators of success as quickly as everyone else (nice cushy job with benefits at a well-known reputable big company that pays well) (or in the school context, awards, deans lists, gpa, scholarships, leadership positions, accolades, competitions, etc). sighing heavily.. thinking about all this brings the weight of it all back to the forefront of my awareness
so i'm trying to be gentler with myself. to not care so much about time and speed and quantity and positioning. i want to surrender to whatever my timing and path may be and have enough faith that it will lead me to the right places at the right time. that i am doing okay and that i'm not behind. that i'm exactly where i need to be, and that everything will work out for me eventually. that it's okay for the ‘right now’ to be ‘not enough’. (i know this might be flawed reasoning and that i may never feel like the ‘right now’ is enough. i want to be okay with the right now) that i'm doing okay! that i'm doing good! and that there is still hope for me, and that i haven’t irreparably fucked up my future and my chances of succeeding. sighs
i saw a jisoupy post the other day that kind of describes this whole conundrum very elegantly. transcribing the text of the post within this newsletter for ur benefit:
jisoupy: “when times are rough its easy for me to get into this mode where i try to fix myself. i think, “i’m just being lazy, i just need to get back into it”, or “i could be doing so much more. why do i have to be like this”
i find myself paralyzed, overwhelmed with even the smallest of tasks, like showering, or making a meal. all the while, responsibilities keep piling up. i wonder why i can’t do the things everyone else seems to do so easily. it puts me into a deep sense of shame.
it feels like a never ending cycle:
i’m overwhelmed & unable to do daily tasks > i feel shame & anxiety > i try to fix it by working harder & tiding myself over with treats > it doesn’t work & i feel even more shame (“somethings wrong with me”) > i’m burnt out emotionally & mentally > i’m overwhelmed & unable to do daily tasks again
but lately i’m trying to be gentle with myself instead, even when it *feels* counter-intuitive. this is what i *assume* will happen:
i’m overwhelmed & unable to do daily tasks > i be nice to myself & take it easy > i become aimless and lack discipline > i won’t do anything and my life will fall apart > i’m overwhelmed & unable to do daily tasks
but this is what will *actually* happen:
i’m overwhelmed & unable to do daily tasks > i give myself grace and acceptance, and seek help/confide in friends > i’m able to see more clearly what i need (rest, purpose, novelty, connection, movement, fun, nourishment etc) > my cup is slowly filled, i develop trust in myself > i set sustainable expectations & respect my capacity > discipline & resilience is developed from a place of care and joy > growth! the cycle doesn’t repeat!of course in a capitalist society it's difficult to operate in this mode, since our wellbeing and livelihoods are so interlinked with how productive we are. but i think in whatever way i can, i want to unlearn shame and treat myself like a human in a world that often asks us to ignore that.
🌸🌷💐🌼
so what now?
i was gonna end my essay here and just publish it as is, but i’ve uncharacteristically decided to glance through my essay before publishing and i realised i have fallen prey to something i always criticise other people for: talking in lots and lots of abstractions with no real concrete examples, conclusions, or suggestions! so here is my feeble attempt to do that, with some examples of good advice that i enjoy:
henrik karlsson has an essay that is a good example of .. showing u ways forward
anything of visa’s
i like that he’s really supportive n encouraging n helpful and i like this approach to things. (put the gun down, etc)
i’ve been struck down by stomach flu. ending this here goodbye all feel free to ask me anything and i will add on