itemized list of problems i have rn:
indigestion. i always eat too fast while using my phone and my tummy feels bad after
screentime. i’m on my phone way too much. anyone have suggestions on how to stop using my phone? my screentime is like >8hours a day please help me
music. i want to write songs but i think my roadblock rn is guitar and chords. my lack of knowledge re: chords, progressions, voicings, and strumming patterns is withholding my ability to write songs and melodies. i’ve been struggling and struggling to find a nice sounding set of chords to write a melody to, and yesterday i attempted to just fuck the chords and pull a melody out of thin air & it worked so much better
hair. my hair is too short for my liking now and i miss my long hair. my friend said that long hair is better for people with big heads cos it balances the weights out or something, and now i’m like hmm yeah i get that. But alas i chopped my hair off and am devastated about it. i’m trying to look on the bright side, like how my hair took so long to dry while it was long, and how it felt so heavy all the time, and how my scalp would feel so warm. now my shorter hair is much, Much more manageable. however, in my fits of despair i took to it with scissors and now its a bit annoying when i tie up my hair bc some bits are too short to be tied up and this has proven an annoying issue when i want ALL my hair to be tied back, zero baby hairs
clothes. i don’t feel hot anymore, and every time i visit those vintage thrifting places like queensway or haji lane, or any time i visit an arts market or really anywhere that young people populate, i feel deeply deeply Basic. (i am usually in a shirt and jeans.) people look so cool these days and i feel like i am lacking so much je ne sais quoi in my fits. is it the lack of accessories? the clothes themselves? i’m trying to figure it out, because i think my mental wellbeing is directly linked to how hot i perceive myself as being. i’m just a girl. its crazy that my mental state can be so contingent on my appearances but ah, what can i say… its good to feel good about yourself, and makes life much more enjoyable…
(fitness. i want to get stronger, i’m really weak, i have low stamina and zero strength, exercising is hard bc i can achieve so little that it’s hard to … mm .. push myself. and i can do so little that its hard to attempt to stretch what little i have. for eg: i want to do a pull up. i cannot do a pull up, so maybe i’ll just hang on the bar? i can’t hang on the bar for very long. i give up. no progress is made. where do i go from here? my muscles do not strengthen, i stagnate. that is just one example but it applies to everything else. it also doesn’t help that when i am by myself, i have very little motivation and do not try very hard to push myself. sighs heavily)
music (again). i love funk. i love big band typa stuff. i love big showy broadway musical theatre etc songs with loud bright high vocals. i would LOVE to make a funky little song, a la lawrence, gracie with her incredibly strong vocals. alas, my voice is not suited for the genre. i do not sound good, nor do i sing well, in this genre of songs. my voice sounds best in quieter more intimate songs. but i love funk so much. i wish i could make it. alas… even if i were to attempt to stick to my strengths, i am finding that i’m not quite sure/not very good at writing good little tiny intimate songs. see examples:
the perfect pair - beabadoobee
sunny day - beabadoobee
would you believe - sam kim
scent - sam kim
honestly most of sam kim’s earlier discography, esp sun and moon
wiing wiing - hyukoh
hmmm. actually maybe i could do a little tom misch. his vocals are on the quieter end, aren’t they… his songs are so groovy. but i don’t know how to make grooves like that
alright that’s enough for today. love u all, except for those who don’t love me back, fuck u sincerely. but otherwise, love u all who have love to give. i’ve a growing intolerance for people who are insincere and/or keep their cards close to their chest. i think there’s a way to maintain your boundaries without coming off so hedgey and manipulative. to that one girl i’m thinking of, fuck you. in another lifetime i’d skin you alive, but you’re lucky we’re in this one. <3
kiss,
ry