the astrology says things are supposed to be looking up for me, this june. that jupiter’s entering gemini, and will be until may 2025, and that this expansive energy’s supposed to bring me luck. i’m holding out hope for it. maybe expansion is what i need- luck is definitely something i need.
i turn to astrology (and tarot, and whatever else is adjacent to these) when i am comparatively (astronomically) down bad. when i find myself searching for pick a card tarot readings on youtube i know i’ve been thrown off kilter. or that i am yearning for certainty…
recently i’ve been coming to terms that i don’t have “what it takes”. if you’ve been reading these newsletters for a while you will know that i am plagued by a terrible case of inferiority complex & that it is frankly deeply unbecoming n cringe.. alas i have not found a solution for it. and so i will persist in my little inferior bubble… i’ve been seeing tweets recently along the lines of “one day i decided to just stop being unattractive (one day i just decided to become hot, and i was)” and i think the same concept might apply here. but it feels so contrived when on paper, quantitatively, i feel worse than my peers… feels so contrived to claim that i have (market?) value when i objectively haven’t done very much, and am quite lame..
of course dwelling on the matter and holding a pity party for myself will not change things, n yet i do it still. anyway…
i’ve been struggling to find my way because i’m not quite sure where i should be going, and i don’t know who to look to to model my own path after. i am not a banking or finance girl, nor am i a tech or consultancy girlie, much as i’d enjoy the pay (oo la la…)… it’s unfortunately glaringly obvious to anyone who knows me that i am not cut out for the grind (!!!) associated with typical rat-racey corporate-ladder-climbing careers, n i think this devastates myself the most (i want money!!!!) (while my friends are like, ‘its fine! whats wrong with doing creative stuff?? its totally fine?? typical corporate stuff is clearly not for you & thats fine???’ but to me its like. Ahh. augh..)
Crying. but what else can i even do that’s as lucrative???? my degree brings me nowhere. i want money but my standards aren’t that high (i’m a social science major my starting pay is so low that if i don’t put money as a priority i think i will starve), but i want to be comfortable, u know? like deeply comfortable. like, i can buy drinks when eating out at restaurants comfortable. (i told u my standards aren’t that high!) i can eat at restaurants averaging 20-30$ per person comfortable. i can treat my friends to lunch/dinner comfortable. etc etc…
someday i want to get back into music, but rawr… so tough, so tough. any1 based in sg and loves funk and would wanna jam? i’m honestly not even good enough to play funk but god do i love the genre… i love u couch i love u lawrence…
crying. the path of least resistance for me rn is marketing/comms, bc it’s something i like and i think i’m relatively decent at! i’m not a graphic designer by any means but i love thinking about campaigns and trends and strategies. ^~^ which i think is fairly common for anyone who is chronically online… and who also has a sociology degree. haha. but i have a deep inferiority complex around it, bc its the bottom of the corporate food chain, & i feel like everyone looks down on it…
idk. i’m greedy. i want money and i want to not be looked down upon, haha
ah. what to do…
another thing i’ve been thinking about is attempting to turn this into a more formal blog. and write like, essays and articles and stories and shit. but i’ve never done that before and i’m not actually a writer so i’m scared. lawl. if i were better/more interesting/etc this would be like a knockoff walmart version of alex dimitrov’s substack, which is also a newsletter but so incredible delightful to consume. i think i’m dissatisfied that this newsletter functions so informally and like a public diary & that it doesn’t like … er, have any “value” or “function” and doesn’t rly “show off” anything about me. does that make sense, like if i had a portfolio or discography i could point to those things and people would be like Cool! You can do stuff :) but i can’t do that with this substack bc i’m just yapping!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! argh
i dunno. thats what ive been thinking about. alrighty. have a good day folks
-ry
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Thanks for continuing this substack, Ry. This one resonated with me in particular because the problems you describe are ones that have plagued me for the better part of my life.
I'm 24 now but spent my undergrad days chasing something extraordinary. Like you, I would compare myself to my peers, frequently wanting more. Better status jobs/internships, better pay, cooler hobbies/skills, etc. This would result in cycles of mania and depression - I would work ridiculously hard for a period of time but when I felt I wasn't moving fast enough compared to others/my own expectations, the self-loathing and disappointment would kick in, and my progress would stall.
I wanted to work in a creative field but ended up giving it up halfway through college because of essentially the reasons you listed in your post. I wanted some kind of stability in my life. I've found the financial stability I wanted, but at times still yearn for the nature of creative work.
Something I've come to realize for myself is that my inferiority complex makes it so difficult for me to be happy for myself. I would often ignore my achievements; as soon as I would hit a milestone, I'd look at the next person/thing/goal that was ahead of me and start chasing that instead.
I wake up a lot disappointed in myself and my life, but have been trying to better appreciate what I have. I've resigned to the idea that I'll be having this internal debate of appreciation vs. disappointment until I die. On an optimistic note, I think we're disappointed in ourselves because we crave something more out of life. Having these desires for something greater sometimes reminds me I can still be passionate and that I haven't given up yet.
I hope you don't beat yourself up too much. Let's not let other peoples' timelines and definitions of success sway us. Ultimately, we're only briefly on this planet - reading your post reminded me that we're here to have fun
I wanted to write this to let you know that you're not alone in how you're feeling. I apologize there's not much tangible advice, so I'll leave you with the words an inspiring person once sang.
"I'll hope and pray for you
...
I believe in you
So just hang in there"