here are a couple of lists cobbled together off the top of my head. this list is non-exhaustive and should be in no way taken as an accurate representation of what i think or feel, bc my mind is as fickle as the wind..
interest areas:
sex
epistemology of sex.. the development of kink/bdsm and how its increasingly commonplace..
romance/relationships
attitudes towards finding partners, settling down..
education
interested in people that fall behind, and why. interested in life courses..
queers in sg
curious to find out about the demographic of queers that aren’t chronically online and aren’t so deeply influenced by western culture.. want to see variances in ideologies
things i am searching for:
companionship
someone to eat kaya toast n eggs with me in the mornings
someone to play pingpong/badminton with me poorly
someone to take long walks with me
direction
in life
waiting to figure out what compels me the most
stability
surety
things i am thinking of eating:
fried chicken (popeyes, jollibee…)
chips
something sour, and salty. limes and tajin
mexican food… salsa
things i am thinking of buying, but haven’t, bc who has the cash?:
loop earplugs (what model?! will they fit my ears?)
smiskis
good honey
sony headphones (the wh1000xm4s…)
more long skirts
more clothes, always… (unfortunately)
a mofusan plushie keychain, bc my boss has one on his desk & seeing it everyday has made me think to myself Omg so cute i want one too.
things i want to do, but can’t bring myself to:
sing (actually, i’m ok with this, but i’ve forgotten how to sing, and my throat hurts every time i try to bc of it)
exercise more (gym? my stomach has been pudgy recently. but i also want to do fun things, like swimming (with friends) badminton (with friends) or pingpong (with friends). one day i would like to try dancing, bc it seems fun (if with friends).)
be smarter. read more stuff. know more stuff
extend my attention span. i’m so distracted. nothing is interesting to me anymore, which is upsetting
draw more. i want to make more zines but i am never compelled to when i’m alone
clean my room. maybe if i have more space i will feel better about making stuff and doing things
sleep earlier. i am a sucker for revenge bedtime procrastination
eat better. eat healthier. but food is expensive, and hard to find healthier options when i’m so picky
be smarter. think faster. do things better. have more capacity to do work i find boring and annoying (i want to impress people, like my boss) (i crave validation and i want to be good)
am i always waiting? feels like it. i am sure that when the time comes i will be compelled to do whatever i need to do, but maybe i am wasting my time… or maybe there are just more productive ways to spend my time while i’m waiting to be compelled. i’m dehydrated and my hands are dry and i forgot to bring my handcream (i actually don’t know where it went).
oh well. what are u searching for? what are u waiting for? what are u interested in? send me ur own lists. let me know.
luv,
ry
thank you for sharing.
i hope life treats you well and you find what you need.
i related a lot to the "am i always waiting?" mindset. waiting for a miracle or for things to feel more right. maybe i need to make myself productive, it feels so difficult to make my own changes though.
i wish for myself to write more in my notebooks and sort my thoughts.
to clean up my life better, reorganize my room and replace old things (new headphones! get a nice desk!)
i wish i could make more friends, try to go out and meet people and bond with them. it seems hard to find bonds irl though.
to be better at trying out new music
maybe try playing new story games
i had a friend who's into poetry, it makes me want to read more poetry and feel smarter
i should eventually try to perform music or really write music, put myself in an environment where i can do that. it feels like a big step though and i feel like i'm not ready.